FunTime with the Cullens!
by Twisisters
Summary: Jacob imprints on a corpse, Emmett gets really drunk, Sam is reduced to a bloody mess and Jasper decides he wants to live on the bottom of the ocean. what's not to like? rated T just in case 4 future chaps.
1. Da besht damn partay eva!

**Disclaimer!**

**I don't own Twilight or anything Twilight-ish.**

**Sorry it's really short. Please forgive me?**

BPOV

"emmett? Why do I smell alcohol?"

"I dunno, why ya not ask Eddy?"

"coz Edward went hunting."

"so?"

"Im not gonna run to the middle of the forest to ask him what you're doing"

"coz you feel like it."

"im gonna tell Carlisle you got drunk."

"not if I tell him first!"

He ran off laughing like a little girl. There were several loud crashes downstairs and Carlisles yelling.

"what the hell do you think your doing?"

"Carlisle, Emmett's having a drunk part-ay downstairs!"

"Okaaay, how the hell did a bunch of vampires get drunk?"

"awwww… Carlisle! Why ya have to be such a party pooper! Come on guys, lets move this party somewhere else."

I walked down the stairs.

"umm, Emmett? Its not really a party if your by yourself."

"im not by yourself! You and Jasper are gonna come with me! Wooooooo!"

APOV

I blanked out for ½ a second

"oh. My. God." Edward and I said in unison

JPOV

"Emmett, I don't want to come."

"oh come on bella, ya almost as bad as Carlisle."

I could feel wave after wave of anxiety coming of bella.

"don't worry bella, ill keep you safe."

She was very, very, very slightly reassured.

EMPOV

"BRAINBLAST!" I yelled and ran into Carlisles study. I found a massive syringe and ran back downstairs.

"are you alright? Your starting to sound like Jimmy Neutron."

JPOV

Emmett ran down the stairs at vampire speed, and before Bella knew he was behind her, stabbed a massive syringe into her back. She swayed for a while, then collapsed.

"yay! No more objections!"

He picked her up in one arm and me in the other and ran out the door to bellas guardian and locked me in the back with bella and several kegs of beer.

A fraction of a second later, I heard the engine roar and we were off.

A couple more seconds and there were two big bangs on the roof.

"EMMETT UNLOCK THE CAR!"

I heard a drunken roar from the front seat

"mmmmm nah. Me no wanna! Me gonna have the besht damn par-tay Eva!!!!"

A loud "NOOOOOOOOO!" came from the roof.

suddenly the car was tilting at an odd angle.

That's not a good sign….


	2. Chunks of Sam! Ewwwww!

_**DISCLAIMER!**_

_**I am not S.M. I wish I was, but I'm not.**_

EDPOV

We broke out of the forest just in time to see the guardian racing towards La Push. I wasn't so worried about crossing the boundary line as Emmetts thoughts

Hehehehehe_! This gonna be soooooo fun! I wonder if this car will survive the drop? Probably, I mean, its TANK-PROOF._

Alice and I jumped on to the roof of the car and tried to smash out the windows, forgetting about the missile-proof glass.

"EMMET UNLOCK THE CAR"

"Mmmmm nah. Me no wanna! Me gonna have the besht damn par-tay Eva!!!!"

_Mmm, I hope they don't keep holding on. If they do, we won't be able to come out of the car when we're…_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed.

We drove off the cliff toward the ocean…

JPOV

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Emmett screamed. I finally managed to kick my way through to the main section of the car. Emmett was laughing with his hands above his head like he was on a rollercoaster. I looked out the windscreen and saw a big blanket of water rushing towards us.

SPLASH!

We hit the body of water. Luckily, the armored car was waterproof. Not-so-lucky was all the body armor that dragged it down.

APOV

What the hell was he thinking? Why did he want to have his beer-fest at the bottom of the ocean?

Wait a sec….

"Oh crap"

"What?"

"Our future just totally disappeared."

There was a loud scream coming from above us, and SMASH as a heavy object hit the roof of the car, leaving a big, red splatter on the roof.

"EWWWWW! THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

We dragged the chunks of Sam off the car, leaving a red streak across the roof.

"What bad timing!"

"You would think that they would look before they go cliff-diving"

"Oh well, the cars gonna be washed soon…"

"Shut up Alice, its not helping!"

"But it's true, the cars sinking"

"Oh crap"

JPOV

I dragged Bella into the body of the car, just before a loud SMASH came from above us and a EWWWWW! THAT'S DISGUSTING! From Alice. Bella groaned and I saw big red chunks drift past my window. Ewwwww!

A few seconds later, the entire car was underwater.

Emmett crawled into the back and grabbed a keg of beer, and started chugging it.

Seconds later, he had drained the entire keg

"Could we shink any shlower?"

He ripped open the door and got out, sending a gush of water pouring into the car before slamming it behind him and locking it.

"Now don't ya go anywhere! Ill be *hic* back in a shec." he said as he swam around to the front of the car.

Half the car was swamped from Emmett's exit. Bella groaned again.

"Bella? C'mon, you got to get up."

Emmett grabbed the front of the car and began yanking it towards the bottom of the ocean.

APOV

I Heard Emmett whine, "could we shink any shlower?"

He ripped the car door open came out and slammed it shut again.

Crap.

The car was half full of water and Bella was unconscious.

Crap

It's a good thing my Jasper was in there with her.

But that could also be a bad thing if she got hurt.

Crap.

And why the hell wasn't I doing anything? I seriously don't know. Maybe im just lazy. Or dumb, one or the other.

Emmett grabbed the car and started dragging it deeper in to the water.

Edward grabbed the back of the car and started pulling it the other way towards the surface. It was like tug of war. Sort of. In a weird kind of way.

"Oh! Hullo Eddy! You ish ma besht fwiend!" Emmett let go of the bumper and started hugging Edward.

"Get off of me you drunken pansy!"

Emmett had gripped him in one of his humongous bear-hugs and so had dropped the car which continued to sink.

"ALICE! WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE! GET THE CAR!"

Oh, right.

I dived under the surface and swam after the car.

It was around halfway to the bottom now. I grabbed it and started pulling it back up to the surface.

EPOV

"Get off of me you drunken pansy!" I yelled at him.

He had grabbed me and so I had accidentally let go of the car. I tried to push him off, but he was stronger than me. The car had disappeared beneath the waves. I looked back at Alice, who was staring stupidly at the spot the car had been.

"ALICE! WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE! GET THE CAR!"

_Oh, right._

She dived to get the car as I continued to try and shake Emmett off. I gave up eventually and dragged us both to the shore. Alice and the car weren't far behind.

"Ok, Emmett. Give me the keys."

"NO! WHY SHOULD I? YOU *hic* JUSHT WANT DEM ALL FOR YASHELF AND YOU *hic* WONT SHARE MA BEER WID ME AND DEN *hic* ILL BE SHAD!"

"Emmett, I promise that you can have the keys and your beer later, but only if you give them to me now." Stupid, drunk vampire.

"NA!"

Emmett ran inside the car and locked it again.

"HA HA! SHUCKED IN! TWY AND *hic* GET DEM NOW!

"Emmett, get out here and give me the keys right now or no more beer."

This reminded me of speaking to a stubborn 3 year old.

Emmett looked horrified for a moment, but then a huge smile spread across his face as he realized that he had the beer.

_Eddy is a dum-dum!_

Jasper pounced on him, attempting to get the keys, but Emmett was too strong and eventually shook him off.

"HA HA!"

Emmett turned around and started draining another keg. Jasper took the opportunity to pounce again, and this time succeeded in getting the keys.

Emmett got mad.

He roared and threw jasper across the car and shattered one of the remaining kegs. Large shards of metal sprayed everywhere in the car.

Alice and I watched in horror as blood clouded the water.

Cliffy! YAY!


	3. Death! YAY!

**Disclaimer**

**I'm not S.M**

JPOV

Crap.

That smell.

By god that smelt good.

How could anything smell so good?

It should be illegal.

I should hold my breath.

I know I should, but I couldn't.

That smell.

I suddenly noticed that the water around my feet was beautiful, in a kind of disgusting way.

The swirling, red patterns.

It was mesmerizing.

The smell was getting more and more intense in the enclosed space.  
I know that I shouldn't, that it would ruin my life here, we wouldn't be able to show our faces In Forks for decades afterward, but it wasn't like I had any choice in the matter.

I suddenly realized that I was not alone.

Another like me that wished to steal my meal.

I snarled at him.

He growled back.

We stared at each other for seconds.

We both pounced at exactly the same time.

I tried to make him less aggressive, more accepting.

He needed to accept the fact that I had won.

I had been resisting for so long.

All that time was about to go down the drain, but I didn't care.

It was what I wanted.

What I needed.

I didn't care about the consequences now.

I knew that Alice would be disappointed and won't look at me for months.

Carlisle would give me a very long lecture on not killing people again.

Edward would get depressed and kick me out of the state.

Esme would be horrified and give me the old we-love-you-but-wish-you-hadn't-done-that talk.

Rosalie would be happy she was dead.

Then Edward would kill her.

Emmett would be… well, drunk.

But it was impossible to care now.

It was impossible to think of anything other than that smell.

I had no doubts now.

I was going to kill her.

EPOV

Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono

This could not be happening.

What the hell had I done to deserve this?

Other than all the killing and everything.

I was in shock.

How could this happen?

The very things that were meant to protect her, the indestructible car and undead big brothers, were about to cause her death.

What kind of messed up world is this?

I suddenly snapped out of it.

She was dying and I was just standing here like an idiot.

I had to do something.

I started screaming and shaking the car.

I would have tipped it, but I didn't want to hurt her.

"STUPID,STUPID,STUPID! COULN'T I HAVE GOTTEN A SLIGHTLY LESS IMPENETRATABLE CAR?!?!?!?!"

I looked and sounded like an idiot and I was sure that I wouldn't achieve anything, but I had to do something.

APOV

Why the hell didn't I see this?

What is wrong with me?

I had put special tabs on both Bella and Jasper.

So why had this slipped through?

Was I going senile?

No, I couldn't.

I mean, I was less than a century old for gods sake!

And if anything, abilities get stronger the older you get, I mean, look at Aro!

So what the hell was going on?

Maybe the werewolf incident mashed everything up.

I haven't seen anything since that idiotic wolf smooshed himself on the car

Wait.

Why the hell was I thinking about this now?

"STUPID,STUPID,STUPID! COULN'T I HAVE GOTTEN A SLIGHTLY LESS IMPENETRATABLE CAR?!?!?!?!"

I would have told him to calm down, but he wouldn't have listened.

He just continued to yell and attack the car.

Inside the car, Jasper and Emmett had just leaped at each other and were wrestling.

I don't know what it was, either Jasper playing with his emotions or the beer, but Emmett gave up and jasper turned to Bella.

"GET THE HELL OFF OF HER!"

I think Edwards lost it.

I mean, he was frothing at the mouth and everything.

Well I guess I would be too if Bella started eating Jasper.

Maybe without the frothing bit, though.

SMASH

Wow

Somehow, I don't know how, he smashed the window of the car.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed at him.

He was tearing Jasper apart.

"GET OFF OF HIM!"

I jumped on his back, trying to keep him away from Jasper, who was still feeding even though Edward had ripped off an arm and a leg.

He hadn't stopped for a second.

She must taste real good… she smelled good…

Edward snarled

Ok ok, sorry.

Edward wasn't trying to attack me; I think that he finally realized that he had already failed, that he was too late.

He was still trying to pull Jasper off, but wasn't ripping chunks off him any more.

I slowly climbed off him and helped him separate jasper and Bella. I had to stop though, the smell was too overpowering. I settled for collecting Jaspers limbs instead.

Jasper eventually backed off.

I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but he slowly walked (well, kind of hobbled with one leg) and without saying anything, grabbed the sections of him that I had gathered and walked straight into the ocean.

**PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!**

**I need ideas badly!**


	4. After death! YAY!

**YAY! REVIEWS! Thanks for the ideas! More are welcome!**

APOV

Well, it has been three weeks since the incident and Edward has gone totally insane.

No, wait, correction, the universe has gone totally insane.

Edward didn't stop looking at her until a full week later.

We had to tell the school that he had caught a mysterious disease and we didn't know when it would clear up.

He just couldn't accept that she was gone.

Explaining to Charlie was hard.

We finally settled to telling the truth, kinda.

We told him she fell of a cliff, which wasn't a lie, and we told him that the body was never found so that he wouldn't notice the mysterious lack of blood.

Jasper was a wreck.

I went to see him three days after Bella died (he is still at the bottom of the ocean, we said that he had caught the strange disease off Edward, but it had affected him differently and so he wasn't expected to get better anytime soon) an I found him about nine miles out buried headfirst in the sand with his feet sticking out.

Anyway, I explained that he was forgiven (well, not by Edward) and that we all wanted him to come back (except Edward) but he just remained there in the sand.

I have been visiting him every five days, trying to convince him to come back, but he won't move.

He was starting to grow algae.

My last visit he was better.

He wasn't in the sand anymore; he had built a little house out of seaweed, shells and anything else he could find.

It was king of cute.

He even showed me his farm where he was breeding fish.

It wasn't exactly working though.

They kept swimming away.

He had started eating again.

He said that the fish tasted really bad, so I promised that I would bring him a little snack next time.

He asked me to bring a live rabbit or something with a little snorkel so he could keep it as a pet.

I have a funny feeling that his life here was going to be a bit more permanent than originally thought.

The weirdest thing happened while we were driving home after Bella dyed.

We ran over Jacob and so offered him a ride home so he could see Carlisle.

We dumped the body in the back, but we forgot about the big hole that Jasper made so, of course, Jacob got curious and found her.

And guess what?

He friggin' IMPRINTED on her!

What the hell?

How is that possible?

He has kept the corpse in La Push as it is incredibly upsetting for Edward to see her.

Jacob is still completely convinced that she is alive.

He tries to feed her and everything.

It is seriously scary.

When he's not forcing pizza into her mouth, he's making out with it, which is more than a bit disgusting now that she's getting a little moldy.

Unfortunately though, that is not the worst that has happened.

Edward went completely emo.

He dyed his hair black and wears only black.

It is like, my personal nightmare.

He looks really scary.

He even started biting himself every time something reminded him of Bella, and so he was doing it constantly.

Someone thinks about her, he bites himself.

Someone thinks about Jacob, he bites himself.

Someone thinks about kissing her (mainly Jacob), he pulls of a limb or two, depending on how graphic it is.

In the beginning, he tried the more human methods, but 6 ruined chainsaws later, he realized that it wasn't exactly working.

He was also getting some strange looks at school when he would start one up in the middle of lunch because they were serving her favorite food.

He continued like that until last Friday.

Emmett was stupid enough to suggest that he find someone else, and he didn't have a fit.

He took him seriously.

So that very day, he asked Mike Newton, yes, MIKE NEWTON on a date.

Mike somehow pulled a salmon out of his pocket and slapped him, that kid scares me sometimes.

But then Edward started stalking him.

Mike agreed to go out with him if he would stop watching him on the toilet, he agreed.

Mike enjoyed himself and they have been going out ever since.

They still haven't made it public, but people have been thinking something's up ever since Edward started getting me to do his make-up.

Rosalie was on top of the world.

She threw a big party and invited everyone in Forks.

When people asked why she was having a party, she said it was the President of France's birthday.

So everyone got a little drunk, Edward threw a little fit and (nearly) everyone was happy.

Until Jacob showed up with his 'girlfriend'.

Rose paid Mike $50 to pee on her.

Mike became $50 richer.

Edward burned the house down.

He then hung Rose and Mike upside down from a tree an spent 3 days hitting them with a stick.

Edward got a stern talking too by Carlisle and Esme for burning the house down.

Mike wouldn't kiss him for a week.

That was until Edward 'proved' his love for him by stripping and doing the Macarena on top of the school for 17 hours.

They had to get a fire-truck to drag him down

So, yeah. The world has gotten really twisted.


	5. SPLACK!

**Ok so soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry that I haven't done anything in ages. Please forgive me? I promise that I will update more frequently. **

**Don't hate me.**

**Disclaimer: if I was Stephanie Meyer and owned Twilight, do you seriously think that I would be wasting my time writing this?**

JACOBPOV

"THEY MUST DIE!"

APOV

"Alice? Alice! What do you see?"

"Apparently we're all going to die."

JACOBPOV

"They killed our leader, and so now, we must kill theirs."

"Why? It was that big one that drove the car off the cliff."

"Yeah, and Sam was stupid enough to jump without looking."

"Hey! Shut up! It's almost like you don't want to kill them."

I stood up and threw the remainder of my food in the fire.

Paul jumped into the flames and retrieved it.

"What are you man, crazy! This food's still good!"

"Umm, Paul? You're kind of just a little on fire."

"Oh crap"

Paul jumped off the edge of the cliff.

We head a distant splack **(a crack and a splat rolled into one!)**

"Do we have to avenge him too?"

"Unfortunately, it's kind of tribal law."

We all got up and started kicking the fire.

"That should be good enough. Quil? Go get his remains so we can mail them to my sister."

"Alrighty then. Back in a sec."

"And Quil? Walk, don't jump."

"Oh, yeah, that's probably a good idea."

So, we have to kill Carlisle.

Great.

Fantastic.

And the rest of them will get in the way, so we'll have to kill them too.

That included Edward.

If we killed him, Bella would hate me.

I looked back at the love of my life.

She looked so happy, slumped by the fire.

She has been so tired lately.

I don't know what's wrong with her.

One thing was for sure.

Killing her husband wouldn't get me in her pants.

"Bella?" I asked her,

"Would you care too much if I killed your husband?"

She was silent.

"Oh, I know you love him, but you love me too, right?"

Silence.

"Oh Bella, I know this is tough for you, you don't have to have any part in this if you don't want to."

More silence.

"Alrighty then, don't worry. I know how much you love him, so I'll make his death quick and painless, just for you"

I went to sit down next to her again and put my arm around her.

QPOV

Ewwww! This is so disgusting!

I had run back to my house first to grab a few supplies and then run back to the beach to look for the bloody splatter that was now Paul.

"Oh, he nearly made it."

There was a red stain on a jagged ledge sticking just a few meters from the waves.

The only thing that can kill a werewolf; his own stupidity.

I began to scrape up the bigger chunks and put them in a plastic bag…

Wait a sec…

What the hell!

SETHPOV

Wow, this guy's head is messed up.

I mean, his full on snogging his dead girlfriend!

Holy shit, what if I imprint on a moldy corpse?

I mean, I never worried about it before, but I didn't think it was possible before.

Crap.

"Umm, guys? I kind of have some bad news."

Quil had returned with a plastic shopping bag full of red blobs.

Ewwwww!

"What is it?"

"Well, umm, I was down at the beach and, well, umm,"

"What's the matter?"

"I kind of saw two people on the beach having a 'good time'"

"Oh, poor Quil! He's been scarred for life!"

Everyone laughed.

"It was Edward."

…

"SHIT! YOU SURE!"

"Calm down Jake, or you'll re-kill your girlfriend."

"HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO HER? I THOUGHT HE LOVED HER! BELLA'S GOING TO DIE WHEN SHE HEARS THIS!"

"I'll bet on that."

"SHUT YA FACE!"

"And you wonder why you don't have any friends."

"WHO WAS HE WITH?"

Jake was shaking uncontrollably.

"Well, uh, umm…"

"Quil…"

"Yeah?"

"SPIT IT OUT!"

"Well, it was kind of sort of Mike Newton"

"NNYYAAAAAAAARGGGFFLLLAAAAAAARRRGGG!"

Jake grabbed the plastic gloop bag and chucked it off the cliff again.

I feel sorry for the guy who has to go salvage that.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!?!"

"Eddy's gone gay."

"HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO BELLA! TO HIS WIFE! TOMORROW AT DAWN, THEY ALL DIE!"

Crap

"And Seth? Go get Paul."

Crap.


	6. He lived that's unusual

**Hey guys. I'm bringing this one in so soon because I feel bad for ignoring the story for so long before. Sorry if this chap is bad. Please review? I really want to know what you thought.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Twilight.**

JPOV

"Ahh… there you go, Rodrigo! Nice and comfy."

My poor little Rodrigo.

Mountain lions weren't meant to live at the bottom of the ocean.

I have just finished building a little floating platform for him.

I hope he likes it, it looks like he does.

He's flailing around a lot less that usual.

SPLACK!

"What the hell?"

My head broke the surface again and I swam towards the source of the sound.

I saw a red glob bob past. I sighed.

"One less wolf."

I gathered some of the bigger chunks.

Might as well put him to good use, the poor guy.

Actually, I really hope that it was that girl.

Anyway, Rodrigo hadn't eaten anything but jellyfish for days, so I gathered enough for a good meal.

I swam back to Rodrigo and put the meat on his little raft thingo.

I think I might go back to shore for a while.

That was the second wolf-splat I've seen in a month and I'm getting kind of worried.

I dragged Rodrigo in too.

He might as well enjoy a quick wander on the land.

I tied Rodrigo up and climbed up the cliff to where I could see a bonfire.

RODRIGOPOV

Mmmmmm… yummy.

Me no have good eats in long time.

Since big-fluffy-head trap me in big-cold-wet, all me eats was yucky-soft-squishies and long-slimey-wrigglies, but now me got some yummies so me happy.

I tried tasting big-fluffy-head, but he hurted my tooths and he smells funny.

…

YAY! Big-fluffy-head has freed me from big-cold-wet!

Time to go and find me some more nice eats!

I tried to run off into green-tall-sticks, but I couldn't.

Why me not move?

Me not move because big-noisy-string won't let me!

Me can't get no more eats.

Me sad.

…

I lay down on the weird-soft-land and put my head between my paws and felt depressed while big-fluffy-head wandered off.

Wait…

My head snapped up.

What is that smell?

Me think me smell some eats!

I walked as far as big-noisy-string would let me.

I sees something down near where big-fluffy-head disappeared.

EATS!

It smells like the good eats that I eated before!

It takes some other eats out of the big-cold-wet.

Maybe the eats will get close enough to….

Oh.

The eats runned off.

It must have seen me.

It made a funny sound and runned back where it came from.

There got to be more eats around here.

I sat up on my hind legs and sniffed the air.

MORE EATS! This way!

But there also another smell.

A smell like big-fluffy-head.

Oh well. One eats good enough.

I wandered as close as I could to the smell.

Why that funny-smelling, coral-reef head doing eating that eats' face?

He's doing it all wrong!

Use your tooths! Don't lick it to death!

The coral-reef head stopped and wriggled its paw a little then walked away.

The eats wriggled its paw a little too.

Then the eats did something weird.

I have never seen an eats do that before.

It made a strange sound, then pulled its head-fluff off.

It had more head-fluff underneath.

It did another strange paw wiggle and an eats with fox-fur head-fluff came to meet it.

They strangled each other for a bit - eats are so weird - then started making funny noises at each other.

Oh no.

Big-fluffy-head has come back.

I have seen some more fluff-headed eats today, but big-fluffy-head's head is still the fluffiest.

The head-fluff-ripper and fox-fur-fluff eats' looked at big-fluffy-head.

I was dragged back to my big-cold-wet prison.

JPOV

"Everything alright Seth?"

"Oh! Uh...G'day…yeah...why?"

"That's the second wolf this month, what's been going on?"

"Nothing. Um… I guess that we're not being as…careful as usual, that's all…"

"Are you sure kid? You're kind of nervous."

"Nervous? …Hehe, why would I be nervous?... must be your… uh… imagination."

"Yeah, rightyo then, catch you later."

I walked back down towards the beach.

I glanced quickly back at Seth, who grinned and waved.

Something's up.

I could feel that he was really nervous.

Which made me twice as nervous.

What's he hiding?

Anyway, I walk down to where Rodrigo is staring at two girls talking down by the water.

They stopped as soon as I got within earshot.

The red-head looked nice enough. She felt nervous and a little scared, probably because of Rodrigo, but she did feel confident.

The blonde was exploding with anger.

She was like the Krakatoa of rage.

The Hiroshima of hatred.

She gave me an evil death-glare.

She reminded me of Rosalie when that Eskimo said that she reminded him of a whale.

That poor little Eskimo.

They never did find his body.

I grabbed Rodrigo and returned to the ocean.

The surface was just too confusing now.

SETHPOV

He looked back over his shoulder at me.

I smiled and waved, just wishing he would go away.

It was bad enough that we might have to kill him and his family, but he also looked really scary.

He had barnacles and green stuff growing all over him.

I barely recognized him.

I had nearly screamed when he jumped out of the bushes.

He looked like a sea monster.

I walked down to the cliff face and found the remains of Paul's bag.

I gathered the most intact blobs.

Jasper walked into the ocean, dragging a floating mountain lion behind him.

Must be a little snack or something.

I walked back up the path to the top of the cliff with my shredded bag full of Paul.

"So, guys, we need a plan."

I sat down in front of the fire next to Quil.

Jacob continued,

"We don't want to have to fight with the rest of the Cullens, well, except maybe that blonde. I'd pay good money to see her in ashes. So, any suggestions?"

Embry raised his hand.

"Umm, well we could ambush Carlisle at the hospital or set a trap or give the Volturi a call or…"

"Yes, Embry, we get it."

"But…"

"Anyone else got any ideas?"

Embry hesitantly raised his hand.

"Except for Embry?"

"Hey! That's no fair!"

"LIFES NOT FAIR! NOW SHUT UP!"

"Ok, man. Who died and left you in charge anyway?"

"SAM DID!"

"Oh… well yeah… but maybe we don't want you to lead us anymore."

"Why? I'm the best Alpha ever!

"Jake, you've been Alpha for a month. Two wolves are dead and you're planning on declaring war on the Cullens."

"Well that just means that it can only get better from here!"

Jacob gave a small, hesitant smile that vanished quickly.

Embry stood up.

"I DECLARE AN ELECTION!"

"WHAT?!?!?"

"AN ELECTION! IM TOO LAZY TO MUTINY!"

"I repeat. WHAT?!?!?!?!"

"We will run campaigns and everything. At the beginning of next month, the whole pack and council of elders will vote on who they want to be the Alpha. Now. Does anyone else want to join the election?"

"SETH!"

"WHAT? NO!" I screamed, glaring at Quil.

"Ok, Seth. Anyone else?"

"NOT ME! I DON'T WANT TO!"

"Well why the hell did you nominate yourself then?" Jacob asked. "Seth, you made a commitment."

I think Jake's developing a mental illness.

"Ok, that it? Well then. We are having the election on the first of next month!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOO! TEAM JACOB! A VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE FOR … um … ME!"

"Oh shut up."

Embry pushed him off the cliff.

We heard a distant splash.

He lived.

That's unusual.


	7. we got some friends

**Ok, so sorry this isn't going anywhere fast, but next chap will be good (I hope). Review? **

**Me no own twilight (sob)**

???POV

'Are you sure this is a good idea?'

'Yes! Of course! I've dealt with hundreds like him before!'

"But we've never met one that can read minds."

"Hey, I'll be fine as long as your spell holds up."

"You see, that's the problem."

She looked at me questioningly.

"It's a powerful spell and I'm not sure how long it will last. I suggest that you get this done as soon as possible."

We watched as a very scary looking guy grabbed a mountain lion on a chain and dragged it into the ocean on a little floaty thing.

"Umm…"

"That was one of his brothers."

"Oh, so there's more here? They don't usually live in groups, do they?"

"No. l will need to find out how many of them there are before we move in."

"How many have you seen so far?"

"Four, but I'll bet there's a lot more. We had better call in the reinforcements."

"What reinforcements? All we can call in is an old man, a construction worker and a fifteen year old girl. I don't think they can help that much."

"Well, try to rally some up from around here."

"And who here would hate the Cullens?"

SPLASH!

"I DO!!!!!!!"

We both stared in shock at the massive Native American guy that came running onto the sand.

"Umm… this place is getting really weird."

"I agree."

The guy walked up to us.

"So, you were thinking of taking out Eddy and friends?"

"Uh… yeah?"

"SNAP!"

He grinned at us weirdly. It was quite disturbing.

"They parked their car under the cliff and our leader got smooshed on top. Ya wanna see?"

He took three plastic bags out of his pocket.

Yes.

It was a very big pocket.

"Now, this is Sam. Or is it Brady? I think this one is Paul, it smells the freshest."

"Ewww! Why do you carry those around with you?"

"In case I get a little hungry."

…

(Awkward silence)

…

The guy started shaking, then exploded.

I screamed.

The huge wolf that he had turned into howled towards the cliff.

There were several splashes and one splack and some more Native American guys (and one girl) walked out onto the sand.

"What is it, Jake?"

The wolf shrunk back into the guy, Jake.

I tried not to stare at his lack of clothes.

He didn't even seem to notice the absence of his clothes.

"Who splacked? I hope it was Embry. Or Leah."

He got two evil looks, one from the girl and one from one of the taller guys.

"Hey!" he chuckled nervously.

"I never would have said that if I didn't think that you were dead"

They continued to glare evilly.

They were (especially the girl) dripping with evilness.

"So, anyway, these guys hate the Cullens!"

"Well, good for them."

"And they are going to help us kill them!"

"And what are two humans going to do?"

"Umm… well… I really don't know."

"We can handle ourselves."

"Oh, I'm sure you can goldilocks, but…"

'WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!?!?!"

"Uh… goldilocks?" replied Leah.

"YOU WILL DIE!!!!"

"HOORAY!" everyone else cheered.

'GOLDILOCKS'POV

She is going to die.

I was about to leap at her, but I was held back.

What's going on?

Since when did anyone hold me back?

Even my best friend?

I turned to her.

She was looking into that girl's eyes.

Leah was staring into hers.

"What's the matter…"

They leapt at each other.

At first I thought they were fighting, but why hadn't the girl wolfanised yet?

Then I looked closer.

"EWWWWWW!!!!!!"

"LEAH!" the youngest boy shouted.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?!?"

"Seth," an older boy put his arm around the younger one.

"I think she's imprinted."

"IMPRINTING IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT PASSING ON GENES!!!! HOW THE HELL ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO… YOU KNOW…HAVE WOLF-BABIES?!?!?!?!?!"

"Seth, the gene thing went out the window when Jake imprinted."

Jake suddenly looked up.

"My Bella! She might need me! What if she forgot how to walk and talk and breathe again?!"

He ran, still naked, up to the top of the cliff.

I tried not to think about what my best friend and some retarded wolf-bitch were doing rolling around at my feet.

Half a minute later, there was a large splash as Jake jumped off the cliff again.

"Why do you do that when so many of you have died?" I asked the guy closest to me.

"I don't know. I guess we're all just lazy."

"Meet my girlfriend, Bella."

Was he referring to the mouldy corpse in his arms?

Ewww… gross…

"Umm, you know she's dead, right?"

"Dead gorgeous!" he replied, then started snogging it.

"Umm, ewww!"

"I agree." Said Seth.

"Umm, guys? I think we had better get going. Leah and you friend are starting to take their clothes off."

Jake stopped and looked up.

"Ok, so you two? We are attacking the Cullens at their place at dawn. You in?"

"Definitely."

"Great. Vote Jacob."

**Ok, no more stalling. Next chap, probably out next week and it will be the battle.**


	8. FITE FITE FITE!

EDPOV

What shall I do now? Maybe I'll go and see my Mikey. I haven't seen him for a whole two hours. I guess he needs to sleep, though. He reminds me so much of Bella. My Bella. The most beautiful thing in the universe.

I bit myself.

Stop thinking about Bella, there's nothing you can do about it now. Except maybe kill that moronic dog for dragging her body around, making my life more miserable. That sounds like a plan.

"_Seth! What are you doing! You and Quil are supposed to be covering the east side!"_

The thought suddenly cut off.

What was going on? People don't just suddenly stop thinking! Well, unless they die. Oh I hope that mutt just died.

There was a sudden smash.

I ran at full speed downstairs to one of the strangest thing's I've ever seen.

The large glass wall at the back of the house had shattered into thousands of crystal shards and there were three wolves leaping over the couch towards me.

"Not him, guys. He's mine."

The wolves stopped and ran off in opposite directions as a beautiful blonde girl of around 20 walked around the corner.

She was really short.

I stared at her. What was she doing here? Obviously the wolves were attacking us, but she didn't look like a wolf. She wasn't even Native American.

"Yes, I know I'm incredibly short, but you don't have to stare."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to kill you."

I couldn't stop myself. I burst into laughter. The mere thought of this tiny girl giving me even a paper-cut was ridiculous.

"Are you done yet?"

"Nearly, give me a sec."

I managed to gain partial control of myself, still snickering silently to myself.

"So, Eddykins. Have you seen you boyfriend lately?"

I wasn't laughing anymore.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY MIKEY-POO?!?!?!?!?!" I screeched at her.

"Nothing! I haven't done anything to him!"

I checked if she was lying, but I couldn't get into her head.

"Will? Take it down for a sec."

Suddenly her thoughts came flooding at me. She hasn't done anything to Mikey, she was Mike.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?"

"I guess you aren't as gay as you thought you were, Eddykins."

Well that was kind of a relief.

How had I been fooled by a wig though? A mere wig? What was wrong with me?

"Who are you?"

"Your worst nightmare…"

"Aka…."

(Cue dramatic music)

"BUFFY SUMMERS!!!"

…..

"Like, as in the T.V show?"

"Well, kinda."

….

"Wow, this is awkward."

"OMG!!! BUFFY IM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!"

"Emmett, go and make yourself useful and kill some wolves or something"

"BUFFYBUFFYBUFFY! HEY! CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH!?!?!?"

"Umm…"

"SHIT!!! I don't have any paper… CAN YOU SIGN MY BUTT????"

"Uhh… ok?"

"WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Emmett pulled down his pants and gave Buffy a permanent marker. She hesitated for a bit, then wrote her name on my brainless brother's ass.

"OMG! THANKS BUFFY! IM NEVER WASHING MY ASS AGAIN!"

"Er, good for you."

"IM GOING TO GO AND PUT MY ASS ON EBAY!"

He hobbled up the stairs with his pants still around his ankles.

Buffy gave me a puzzled look.

I shrugged,

"We think he was dropped on his head while he was human."

She nodded.

"So now, unfortunately, we have to get to the me killing and you dying bit."

"Aww man!" I whined sarcastically.

"Meet my little friend! MR. POINTY!"

She leapt at me with superhuman speed, a wooden steak aimed at my heart, I dodged, but she came at me again, fast as lightning. I only just managed to dodge her that time. I didn't want to kill her, I had dated her and how would Emmett react if I killed the person he worships? Not well.

"DIE THY SCOURGE OF THE EARTH! THY CURSE UPON THIS UNIVERSE! THY PLAGUE OF HUMAN KIND!!!!"

"What does that mean?"

"I dunno."

She lunged at me again. I didn't have enough time to react. The timber barb smashed into my chest. It splintered, leaving me without a scratch.

I smiled.

"Shit."

My smile grew.

SMASH!!

There were wooden splinters surrounding us. Someone had smashed through the ceiling. It was a wolf and a vampire fighting.

"WILLOW! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!!"

I then realized that it was a wolf and a human. And they weren't fighting.

"WILLOW! STAKES DON'T HURT THEM! QUICK USE A SUN-SPELL!!!!"

"Ok… just a sec Le-Le….mmmm….ok, there you go."

A huge ball of sunshine appeared in the air in front of me. Buffy cheered and started doing the Can-can until she realized it wasn't hurting me. She watched in shock at the light reflecting off of my skin.

"Oooooo… you're pretty…"

"Thanks."

"What are you?"

"A vampire."

"Then why can't I hurt you? I've killed tones of vamps before."

"Serious?"

I couldn't believe that she had fought vampires with wooden sticks and balls of sunshine and actually won.

"I've done more that that, I've killed a god."

"Oh come on! With the twigs and sunshine?"

"No, actually. An old guy called Gilles suffocated her in her man form."

And she seriously wants me to believe this crap.

There was a smash, some ripping sounds, a feral snarl and a sickening splack coming from upstairs. Buffy took the opportunity to run out the smashed glass wall and into the forest.

I ran upstairs quickly to check on my family. They weren't doing too badly. Rose had gotten half stuck in the ceiling and her legs were flailing about in a comical fashion, Jasper was trying to place gypsy curses on everyone, Carlisle was throwing his syringes at the wolves like darts, Esme was having fun kicking Jacob repeatedly between the legs in her 6-inch heels, Alice was trying to gouge some eyes with a toothbrush and Emmett was knocking them all down with his horrid morning breath.

"So you all ok?"

"A MILLION GYPSY CURSES ON YOU ALL!!! Ya, Ed. We're all fine."

Ok, time to go get that lying, transvestite bitch.


	9. GYPSY CURSES ON YOU ALL!

**Sorry it's a short one. I don't own twilight.**

BUFFYPOV

I've got to run.

I can't kill this monster. I don't know what it is, but it's not a vampire. I have to escape and figure out what it is, learn how to kill it, so I can return and destroy it and its 'family'.

A loud crash came from upstairs and its head whipped around towards where the sound had come from. I took the opportunity to run while it was distracted. I grabbed Willow's ankle as I went, dragging her from her from her girlfriend and along the ground behind me.

"Will! You have to teleport us! Now!"

"But Buffy!" she whined, "can't we stay just a little longer?"

"No. We can't kill these things. We have to go. Then, when we come back and they're all re-dead, you can be reunited with Leah. But if we don't go now, then you'll be too dead."

"I guess so…"

She recited some strange words and we were surrounded by purple light. The forest around us began to fade. I felt something tighten around my wrist just before everything started spinning and we were gone.

EDPOV

I got down the stairs just in time to see Buffy's friend getting dragged around the corner. I ran out the smashed window after them to find the girl chanting in some strange language. A purple misty light surrounded them and they started to blur. I sped over and grabbed Buffy's wrist just before we all swirled into darkness.

APOV

"A THOUSAND GYPSY CURSES ON YOU ALL!"

"Jasper, when our future disappeared and I went to get you, I was expecting you to do something a LITTLE more helpful than run around and wave your arms putting gypsy curses on everyone."

"What's more helpful than cursing them to spend eternity in the abyss? I CURSE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR CHILDRENS CHILDREN TO ETERNAL DAMNATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"JASPER! You're not even a GYPSY!"

I shoved my toothbrush into an eye socket.

"How do you know? You don't know anything about me! I could be a female Asian backup dancer or a rare Madagascan burrowing giraffe for all you know!"  
The wolf's eye grew back. I jammed the toothbrush in there again.

"Jasper, I can see the future. I think I know a little about you. And you're definitely not a girl. Or a giraffe."

"I could have gotten a sex change or a species change."

I sighed as I stuck the toothbrush in the wolf's head for the third time.

"Can't you do anything more helpful? You were in a vampire army for most of your life! What did you do then?"

"Well, mostly pray that a meteor would come and crush our enemies, but if that didn't work we would run around in circles putting gypsy curses on everyone."

"And you're still alive?"

"Yeah! Of course! Gypsy curses are a tried and true method!"

"Well why hasn't one wolf been eternally damned yet then?"

He stopped running in circles and smiled at me.

"They haven't been activated yet"

"WELL ACTIVATE THEM THEN!"

I was so frustrated that I slammed my toothbrush straight through the wolf's eye and it crunched into its skull.

"Sorry."

It whimpered softly.

Jasper's smile grew.

"GODS OF THE UNDERWORLD!"

Oh lord.

"I SUMMON THEE TO FEAST UPON THE SOULS OF THESE EVIL-DOERS!"

"What did he just say?"

"I WILL NOW PERFORM THE SACRED RITUAL DANCE TO FREE YOU FROM YOUR PRISON IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH!"

Jasper pushed the play button on a random CD player in the corner of the room, got up on the table and… started tap dancing.

"OH COME AND SEND THESE ALLIES OF THE DEVIL TO THE UNDERGROUND WHERE THEY WILL BE TORTURED FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!"

"Umm, Jasper?"

"COME DOWN LIKE LIGHTNING AND STRIKE ALL THOSE IN THIS ROOM WHO ARE EVIL! CAST THEM DOWN INTO THE LOWLIEST CHAMBERS OF HELL!"

He would have been kind of scary, if he wasn't tap dancing.

"COME AND DESTROY THEIR SOULS AND SEND THEIR CONCIOUSNESS' INTO SPIRALING AGONY!"

Everyone was staring at him now. This is so embarrassing.

"I CALL UPON YOU NOW! RISE FROM YOUR ANCIENT PRISONS AND PUNISH THE CHILDREN OF SATIN!"

…

Nothing.

Wait…

Oh. My. God.

White mist started rising from the table where Jasper is dancing.

The mist is spiraling around in the air; it's starting to form shapes…

Before we knew it, there was a giant mist figure standing before us. No one was fighting anymore. They were all staring open mouthed at the human-shaped cloud.

"Oh mighty one!"

Jasper had stopped dancing and was kneeling at the figure's feet.

"I ask you to spare the honorable and take the wicked with you back down into the earth were you may do whatever you wish with them."

The creature bellowed in its deep voice,

"SOME OF YOU SHALL LIIIVE! AND SOME OF YOU SHALL DIIIIIE!

"Which ones live?"

"THE ONES THAT DON'T DIE OF COURSE!"

"Do I live?" Rose asked. So selfish.

"WELL ACTUALLY, AS YOU BLEW UP HALF OF CHINA, KILLED THE PRESIDENT AND WIPED OUT 13 ENDANGERED SPIECIES ALL LAST WEEK, YES ROSALIE. YOU DO DIE."

The thing floated over to Rose and dragged her into a giant crack in the Earth that suddenly appeared.

…

"Umm…ok."

I said cautiously after three hours of staring in shocked silence at the crevasse.

EDPOV

The sudden light blinded me.

"Wow. Stupid heightened vampire senses."

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE NOW! YOU DUMB-ASS! THANKS TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL WE ARE! THIS SPELL WAS INTENDED FOR TWO PEOPLE! THREE WILL JUST STUFF IT UP!"

"Umm, Buffy?"

Her friend was pointing at three cloaked figures in the shadows.

I knew where we were.

Shit.


	10. This can't be good

**I don't own twilight. Sorry it another short one and nothing much happens. Next few chaps will be from 1 POV and we'll actually get somewhere, I promise.**

JPOV

"MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"JASPER! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I sent her to HELL!"

"WELL GET HER BACK!!!"

"I'm sorry, my dear muscled friend, but that is quite impossible."

Emmett looked just about ready to murder me, and he probably would if I wasn't the one that knew where Rose was.

The phone rang.

"Umm… hello?"

Esme picked up the phone cautiously, wondering who had our phone number.

"Oh, hi…I thought you knew…um, well that's a funny story, you see… she fell off the cliff and … well she was always kind of clumsy and… no, it was never found…I'm sorry…what?"

Esme suddenly got very nervous.

"Yes we're sure that's what happened… NO! He'd never hurt her! How could you suggest that… well, umm… how do you…no…"

She slammed the phone down, looking at it like it had grown legs and fangs and was excreting a foul liquid.

"Oh no."

Alice had blanked out.

"They're coming…"

I caught her as she fell, still in 'vision-mode'.

"Alice! Alice, who is coming?"

"They're coming." Esme answered. Everyone stared at her

"They know what we are and they're coming"

She was a nervous wreck. The only thing that could make Esme that nervous was something really bad happening to her family.

"Esme, who was on the phone?"

This can't be good.

EDPOV

"You, Willow, how did you protect Buffy from my mind reading before?" I whispered at the red headed girl beside me.

"A complex protection spell, protecting the mind from anything that could affect it from the outside. why?"

"You'll need to do another one."

"Are there more mind reading vampires around here?"

"That and much worse"

The smaller cloaked figure pulled her hood back so we could see her face.

"Why hello Edward, how very charming to see you again." She flashed me the fakest smile ever.

"Unfortunately, you seem to have teleported into the middle of sunny, crowded Volterra and now everyone is staring at you in all your sparkly glory."

She continued to smile.

"And Eddy, you know what that means, don't you?" the larger hooded figures chuckled quietly and edged closer.

"Time to disapparate."

I ran, not caring that I left the others behind. Jane and her gang didn't seem to be that interested in them anyway and ran after me.

_C'mon!!! Work you stupid thing!!!!_

Willow's spell had worked. Well at least something had gone right today.

The Volturi guard fell behind as they were running at just over human speed, trying not to break their cover. As I was probably going to die anyway, I went for full-out velocity. It was funny to hear all the thoughts of the humans I ran past, things like _'What's HE on?', 'HOLY CRAP! MY NIGHTMARES ARE COMING TRUE!'_, _'OMG! He must be, like, JESUS!' _and a whole lot of _'WTF???'_s

I reached the edge of Volterra and hesitated. As soon as I stepped over this line, they will be free to hunt me. In Volterra, they won't use vamp speed or strength. If I keep moving and keep sunlight between us, staying in the city would be mucho safer.

I turned and walked back into the city as a piercing scream came from the top of Volt HQ. The Volturi would never let anyone scream, they have learnt to kill people quickly and silently deliberately so that they wouldn't be heard. Jane could be torturing someone, but she wasn't anywhere near the tower. The only other thing would be if someone was vamparized. Most probably a certain someone who was super strong, knew too much and I was idiotic enough to leave alone in the middle of Volterra. This can't be good.

RPOV

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

"DO YOU THINK YOU COULD SCREAM A LITTLE QUIETER?"

"Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

"THANK YOU."

I was dragged down into the earth by the huge cloud dude, which really makes no sense. Isn't he made of water?

And all that water had made my hair go poof.

"LET ME GO!!! YOU'RE RUINING MY MAKE-UP!!!!"

"WOULD YOU RATHER GO DOWN THERE?"

He pointed towards another tunnel leading off this one that I could see ended in a flaming pit of molten lava.

"Well that depends. If I was liquidized, no one would know if my make-up was ok or not."

The cloud-dude groaned, which made me realize that I never caught his name.

"What did you say your name was again?"

"I DIDN'T"

…

"Ok, so what is it?"

"CAPTAIN DOOM."

"OME! Really?" That was such a cool name!!!

"NO. IT'S ARNOLD."

There was a very awkward silence.

"Really?"

"YUP."

"…Oh… ok then…the other one sounded cooler."

"YEAH I KNOW. I ALWAYS WISHED I COULD HAVE CHOSEN MY OWN NAME."

More awkward silence as he kind of ran/flew/floated down the tunnel towards the centre of the earth.

"Mr. Arnold?"

"MMMM?"

"What is hell like?"

He gave a loud, deep chuckle.

"like nothing any living, or in your case not-so-living, thing has ever experienced."

He gave another booming chuckle as he slowed down at what looked like a dead end.

"WELCOME TO HELL, ROSALIE HALE!!!"

He waved his hand and the earth in front of us split. I was blasted with scorching hot air as I entered the centre of the planet, a.k.a hell. Oh God, this can't be good.


	11. Jacob needs a toothpick

**Once again, sorry for taking my time getting this chap out experienced some MAJOR writer's block. Review?**

JPOV

Esme turned to face me, looking paler than usual. Alice was still in my arms having her vision.

"Esme, whose coming?"

"They're coming."

"WELL THANKS FOR THAT! REALLY HELPFUL!" we all shot a stern look at Emmett.

"Esme, who are they?" Esme hesitated before answering.

"Well I don't know much, but they know that we're vampires and think that we killed Bella…"

"Which we kinda did." muttered Alice, glaring accusingly at Emmett.

"…so they're coming to stop us."

…

(Awkward silence)

"Can they actually do that?"

"I don't know. She sounded confident on the phone."

"There couldn't be that many creatures that would be confident in taking on a coven of vampires. That narrows it down to werewolves, dragons, bigfoot, loch ness monsters, snapping turtles…"

Carlisle walked up the stairs still muttering to himself.

"Well, if you discover a secret underground horde of snapping turtles, let us know."

"What do we do now?"

"Sit and wait for one of Carlisles eureka moments."

There were a few minutes of silence before, "EUREKA!!!"

"He actually says eureka?"

Carlisle raced down the stairs with an armful of heavy, old, dusty, incredibly boring looking books.

"Esme? Are you sure that's all they said?" Carlisle started handing out the books.

"Yes, all she said was that they have been watching us for a while because they knew what we are just in case we blew it and killed someone. They think we killed Bella so they're coming to stop us."

"Excellent."

He handed me a book titled 'The Complete Encyclopaedia of Treacherous Turtles.'

"I fail to see what is so excellent about a horde of dangerous beings that wish to kill us."

"Wait…"

We all rushed over to Alice, still having her vision on the floor.

"Alice? What is it?"

She came out of vision mode.

"It was all… foggy. Like something was trying to block my vision. But I definitely recognised the leader. I think I know her…"

"Yes, I did recognize her voice on the phone, but I can't put my finger on who it is…"

"HEY!"

We all remembered that we weren't alone.

"Do they want to kill us too?"

Jacob had changed back into a human. We all politely diverted our eyes, but he didn't seem to care.

"Jake,"

Another wolf changed, but he was wearing pants.

"We bought these extra-stretchy shorts for a reason." I then realised that all the wolves were wearing black shorts.

"I am not like you civilized, modest folk! No! I embrace my natural form!"

He put his hands on his hips and puffed out is chest.

"Our ancestors would be ashamed of you!"

He strutted over and planted himself on the couch. I saw Esme cringe at Jakes bare ass touching the new, white sofa.

'I don't think they're after you guys, they didn't mention anything about werewolves.'

'Alrighty then. We're off.'

'But Jake? Weren't we here to kill Carlisle?' Carlisle raised one eyebrow. I wish I could do that, it's so cool. 'Why would you want to do that?'

'Our leader was killed, so we were going to kill you'

'That makes no sense! Wouldn't you want to kill the one that killed Sam?' there was silence for a moment.

'Yeah, actually. I don't know why we listened to Jake. In fact, I don't know why we EVER listen to Jake.'

'THEN IT'S SETTLED!'

'That what, we shouldn't listen to you anymore?'

'No,' Jake sighed as if we were all as thick as him. 'We must destroy the one that destroyed Sam!'

All of the wolves instantly glared at the whimpering lump behind me that was Emmett.

'WOLVES! TO THE GARAGE!'

'WHAT?!?!' Paul screamed at him, 'WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!'

'Paul, I know that it seems wrong, but we must have our revenge if the ancestors are to be happy.'

'So let's take revenge, but the Guardian is an INANIMATE OBJECT! The car didn't kill Sam, THAT VAMPIRE DID!' all of the wolves roared in agreement. Jake got up and put an arm around Paul's shoulders. I could see Esme struggling to not rush to the couch to disinfect it.

'Paul, I know how you could think that, but I clearly saw Sam get smeared on the Guardian, not a vampire. As the leader, what I say goes. If Embry wins the election, it will fall to him to make the hard decisions. But for now, I'm the Alpha and I say TO THE GARAGE!' he charged out of the room, leaving us and the rest of his pack staring in shock at Jacob's stupidity.

'THAT WAS AN ORDER!' he yelled from downstairs. The rest of the pack was forced to march out of the room. As he walked past, Seth handed Alice a bloody toothbrush.

'Thanks.' Alice mumbled feeling embarrassed. I sent her a little happiness and she smiled at me. There was a horrendous hullabaloo coming from the garage as the pack unwillingly attempted to dent the Guardian.

'Ok, back to work. We need to figure out what this new threat is.'

'Well it could be that.' Emmett was pointing out the window at group of around twenty figures emerging from the forest. They looked like your average humans. We all ran downstairs and reached the front door 3.65 seconds later. I recognized some of them as living in Forks. Some of them even went to school. One of them, obviously the leader, stepped forward and we all gasped. It was one of Bella's old friends, Angela.

'Where is Bella?' she looked terrifying somehow, even to a coven of vampires. I've never seen Angela look like this. It didn't help that there were intense waves of hostility coming off of her. We all kind of muttered incoherently at her question.

'WHERE IS BELLA?'

'BELLA!' Someone yelled from our garage, 'I FORGOT ABOUT BELLA!' the naked form of Jacob bounded from the garage and into the forest.

'Long story.' Carlisle took a step forward and all the humans were instantly alert.

'WHERE IS BELLA?!' Angela demanded for the third time, 'and we'll know if you're lying.'

'Well,' Carlisle began, 'due to a series of unfortunate events, Bella ended up in a car driving off a cliff into the ocean. We managed to get the car out and everyone was fine. We… ran into Jacob, who is the naked moron you just met, and he and Bella fell in love. She now spends all her time in La Push.' It was all true except for he forgot to mention the tiny, insignificant detail that Bella was dead. Jake ran out of the trees,

'Hya everyone!' he waved cheesily at the group of humans.

'You are Jacob?' one of them asked.

'Yup!' he grinned. It looked like he hadn't brushed his teeth for around a decade.

'Is what the doctor is saying true? Did Bella go over a cliff and meet you where you two fell in love?'

'Every word! You can even ask her!'

'NO Jake, I don't think that's the best idea, you see she is unwell at the moment and… she should be resting… its VERY contagious…'

'FOUND YOU BELLA! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT NEXT TIME!' he leaped from the trees with the mouldy decayed corpse he had imprinted on. Half the humans screamed the other half puked. I have to admit, I was pretty close to puking myself.

'And here's the love of my life!' Jake started snogging his semi-decomposed girlfriend. The wave of nausea that was not only mine, but everyone else was beyond overwhelming. I tried to dilute it but it just kept coming.

'Tell them Bella! Tell them how we fell in love!'

Bella's corpse was silent.

'Aw, you don't feel like talking? Well that's ok.' A bit of Bella's face was stuck between Jacobs teeth and it was very distracting. Angela death-glared Jake with a death-glare that was so deadly that he actually dropped dead.

'Kidding!' he jumped up a few seconds later. Everyone groaned.

Angela advanced on us. There was something truly frightening about her now. The sudden wave of hostility was like it was a windscreen and I was the little unsuspecting bug. Usually emotions tend to dissipate after the first burst, but the anger and hostility kept growing until it was physically painful. The fury filled me until there just wasn't enough room in me to feel anything else. I felt like I was about to burst. I didn't realize I was falling until I felt a pair of strong, slender arms catch me. How was it possible that I had fallen? Vampires don't just fall over. I was so embarrassed and mad that I had made myself look like an idiot. Next thing I knew I had flung my girlfriend through the air and halfway through a tree. I felt so horrible that I had hurt her and began to run over to help her, but every emotion was soon drowned by the continuous torrent of pure hatred. I hated Alice for making me look like a wimp. I was a bloody vampire who needed his unnaturally short girlfriend to catch him whenever he felt faint. I continued to run to where Alice was trying to dislodge herself from the tree, but this time everything was tinted red. There wasn't any room this time for anything other than rage. I only barely heard what Angela said,

'It will amaze you to know that Bella was right, I am a witch.'

**Ok, next chap is the one you've been waiting for! ROSALIES TRIP TO HELL! **

**Plz comment with any and all suggestions/ideas.**


	12. why is hell like, fragrant?

**Once again, I am SOOOOOOO sorry! I won't promise again (look where it got us last time) but I will swear, on my mother's eventual grave, that I will NOT let school get in the way of more important matters EVER AGAIN!!!**

The hot air blew into my face. I screamed. After a while I realised that the temperature of the air actually wasn't unpleasant and had a trace of a flowery smell. I continued screaming. The air was now room temperature and the flowery smell was joined by many other exotic fragrances. A human would have passed out by now from screaming so much due to lack of oxygen, but I kept screaming. I don't know why I'm screaming anymore, but I keep on screaming. I'm nothing if not persistent. "Cut it out!" Arnold thundered at me. "You're giving me a headache!"

"Sorry..."

"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, welcome to hell!" I opened my eyes and was greeted with a familiar sight. It was a perfume department.

"Hey Arnold! What's with hell? I didn't think it was supposed to be like, fragrant" I suddenly noticed the cheesy elevator music behind the sound of salesmen trying to sell their cheesy goods.

And then I saw it.

It was in a little glass bottle on a slowly rotating pedestal. It seemed that all the lights other than the ones directly above it had dimmed. It was mine. I was going to have it. "Hey! Waddaya think ya doin! That's the display model!" I didn't realise that I had actually walked over and grabbed the tiny bottle. "It's $500."

"Fine," I replied, "I'll just get my..." where was my money? Had that Arnold dude stolen it?

"Have fun!" his booming laughter continued to echo around the department for a few seconds after he had sealed me off from the outside world.

"Have fun!"I mocked. Now. How could I get $500?

"Hey, you!" I yelled at a nerdy looking guy, "feel like getting lucky?" the guy looked startled,

"Umm, yeah. Ok"

"$500"

"No way! You're not that pretty!"

...

What did he just say?!?!

"Say that again, punk!" I screeched at him.

"You're fuggly!" he screeched back at me.

I ripped his head off.

No one even noticed. They just went about their daily activities. Was this how people usually acted in hell? I am pretty sure that if I had done that on Earth at least one person would have noticed. The body twitched on the ground for a while before sprouting two more heads,

"You're fuggly!" they said in unison. I ripped off both heads which were quickly replaced by four new ones. "You're fuggly!" they repeated, one of the heads was a bit out of tune. I was getting a little impatient now at this insulting little...whatever it was, so I shoved it in the wood chipper. Why there was a random wood chipper in the middle of the perfume department I don't know, all I know is that I was stupid for not grabbing its wallet beforehand. But then again, I knew that I was stupid anyway. Time for plan B, plagiarism.

"Give me $500 or I'll put GYPSY CURSES on you!!!!" an old lady screamed and dropped her...knife?

"Umm, miss? I believe you dropped..."

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME WITH THAT KNIFE?"

"No! It fell out of your bag!"

"SECURITY! SHE'S A MANIAC! SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME!"

"Ok, ok calm down grandma..." I carefully placed the knife on the ground at her feet

"Why hello there, dearie! My back's really bad, would you mind picking up my knife for me?"

"What, this one?" I grabbed the knife and offered it to her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! POLICE! POLICE! THERE'S A MANIAC TRYING TO MURDER ME!"

"Oh shut up you stupid woman." I threw the knife at her which embedded itself into her skull. I dumped the corpse into the wood chipper, just in case.

Hell is starting to get to me. It had already drawn out my three greatest fears, not being able to buy expensive unnecessary cosmetics, the word 'fuggly' and nutty old people. What was next? I need a pick-me-up. I reached into the old lady's purse and voila! $500!

"hey, dude, get me some of that."

"what, this?" he answered, gesturing towards the tiny golden bottle that has been my entire life for the last 10 minutes.

"YES! Of COURSE that!" I threw the money at him.

"I'm sorry miss, but we just sold out…"Within half a second he was in the ol' wood chipper.

"Well get me something! Some lipstick?!" I yelled at the other clerk.

"Oh I'm sorry miss, but none of our makeup will suit your complexion. In fact, I don't think anything here will…" I screamed and threw everyone and thing in sight into my trusty wood chipper. I needed one of these on the surface…if I ever got back there. So anyway, the room was filling up with blood and makeup (which was totally ruining my outfit) and that was when I saw it. The one thing that assured me that this was truly hell;

"OH GOD! I BROKE A NAIL!!!!"

**Was it worth waiting for? REVIEW!!! Whose POV should I do next? I NEED FEEDBACK! The sooner I do, the sooner next chap will come out! :)**


	13. SLUMBER PARTY! WOOOOOOOO!”

"Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrpacrpacrapcrapcrapcrap" no, I wasn't constipated (for once), I had just left the most powerful human in the history of forever in the middle of vamp-infested Volterra. Not my best idea ever. Not only was this chick super strong, fast etc., but who knows what kind of vamptastical ability she would get? I ran through the crowded streets back to Volt HQ and ran straight into her friend. I never knew how much my mind reading assisted my ability to not kill people. She didn't come out of it too badly, only a shattered spine, excessive bleeding, her head looked a little concave, but she was alive, and as long she was alive, she could be a vampire. Just as I about to bite her, a little voice inside my head warned me that this may not be the best idea in the world. I guessed that I had already made the worst decision of my life today, so I can't screw up anymore. I licked her and dumped her through the window of a passing car. Ok, now to deal with the Volts. I ran as fast as I could towards the big castle in the middle of the city and smashed clean through it.

"Come i-in!" I heard someone call cheerfully from the wreckage. There was suddenly a large section of wall flying towards my head. I was so shocked I nearly forgot to duck.

"Buffy? Why the hell are you a vampire already?"

"The author couldn't be bothered making you do stuff for three days, and the audience will die of boredom reading it."

"Well, I guess I can get kind of boring."

"Damn straight." She hurled the Volt secretary at me. I dodged and tossed a staring bystander back.

"You know, we could throw people at each other or we could sort this out like civilized people." I suggested. A bloody limb had come dangerously close to ruining my outfit.

"Or you could stop being such a chicken!" she replied and ditched a torso at my head. I just managed to dodge it but I got a light sprinkling of blood on my white shirt.

"Oi! That nearly hit me!"

"That was kind of the point…" a car zoomed straight into Buffy.

"Hey! That's not very nice!"

I used the distraction to leap at her and rip her head off.

"OH YEAH! NOOBED PWN!" a vamptastical Willow stepped out of the car,

"Do us all a favour and stop trying."

"Hey, you're a vampire too! Whatever happened to the intense agony thing?"

"Didn't I ever tell you? I'm a time-travelling turnip!"

"Um, ok…" maybe that slightly obliterated head of hers hadn't healed properly. "Should we burn your friend up or what?"

"Nah, let's keep her. You never know, one day she might hatch into a bee-utiful walrus." Ok, there was definitely something wrong with her head.

"Do you want, you know, blood? I mean, you're a newborn, right?"

"Kinda, I'll take a few limbs for the trip home."

"And what are we going to do about this mess?"

"SLUMBER PARTY! WOOOOOOOO!!!" she whipped out a mobile phone, dialled and repeated, "SLUMBER PARTY! WOOOOOOOO!!!" which was almost immediately followed by Alice's "SLUMBER PARTY! WOOOOOOOO!!!" through the phone.

"Um, Will? I don't think a slumber party would be the most appropriate …"

"SLUMBER PARTY! WOOOOOOOO!!!" this was probably the first time those words had been spoken in a pile of debris and corpses. Willow sat cross-legged on the ground, swaying and humming tunelessly.

"Ok, I guess we could wait here for a bit." Once Alice heard the word 'party' there was no stopping her. I ripped the fuel tanks out of some of the nearby car ruins and threw them towards what used to be Volt HQ along with a lit match (just in case some Volts were still lurking around) before sitting down next to Will and headless Buffy to begin bracing myself for the night ahead.


End file.
